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Recent Posts: A Body Psychotherapist's Journal

Care of the self (for mothers and others)

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Mothers’ inner wisdom…it’s there!

July 4, 2016 Leave a Comment

Feeling confident as a mother, feeling happy to be a mom, feeling good about yourself….if those are in place, most other things are going to be okay, too.

We have ways of knowing without even knowing what those ways are.

Mothers – YOU –  have a deep well of intuitive knowing;  actually, women have this well, but mothers may find access is easier when there is a baby involved.  Or harder…it can seem like the voices of all the authoritative others take priority.  You know who I mean: your mother, your mother-in-law, the women in your social circle, your female relatives, the social media parenting mavens, the “experts” who know what you “should be” doing with your baby.

When you listen to all of those voices it can be difficult to hear your own small intuitive voice inside you.   This inner voice can be very quiet if you have always done things the right way, paid attention to the rules, and followed directions.   Those strategies have likely paid off for you.  They are helpful in being successful in school, and in being successful in many jobs, and in getting along with other people.  Generally speaking, listening to the voice of authority can be helpful.  But helpful isn’t the same as knowing what is really right for you.

What isn’t helpful is when you can’t tell what you think is the best course of action because those other voices are too loud or too demanding, or your inner self is scared of making a mistake.  Nobody wants to make a mistake with their baby.   But I’ll tell you a secret that mothers everywhere know.   Everyone makes mistakes in parenting.  Every single parent. And most children come out okay.

How would it feel to actually BELIEVE that you know best for your baby?  You and your partner, you guys actually get to decide how you want to raise your family.   Whether you sleep train or co-sleep, breastfeed or bottle feed, use baby-led weaning or structure the whole process for your convenience probably matters a lot less than how you FEEL about what you are choosing to do.  Feeling confident as a mother, feeling happy to be a mom, feeling good about yourself….if those are in place, most other things are going to be okay, too.

So spend time thinking about how to parent, and talking with your partner about how they want to parent, and decide what kind of family life you want to create with your children.   New problems will arise regularly and new solutions will present themselves.  Every single problem has a solution.  Every problem has a solution, and you can find a solution that works for you if you listen deeply inside yourself.  Turn down the volume on the “authorities,” even me, and listen to your inner wisdom.

 

Photos used under Creative Commons license:

Mother breast feeding her infant; Shutterstock ID 133589516; PO: Parentdish

Http://theendinmind.net/homeschooling-for-an-extraordinary-family-part-2/

Karen Kleiman tells the truth…again!

March 21, 2016 Leave a Comment

Leslie office photoKaren Kleiman of the Postpartum Stress Center in Rosemont, Pennsylvania, is one of my favorite people in the world of postpartum stuff.   She wrote that book I’m always touting…This Isn’t What I Expected…..and she writes a lot of other stuff, too, as well as keeping her multitherapist practice going.   I love her message….which, in a nutshell is to “expect good things.”  At the same time, she’s realistic.  Expecting good things is not the same as expecting them RIGHT NOW, or even tomorrow.  It just means that even though things might really stink for the moment, they can get better and they probably will.

Here is a link to her new article.  You might like it.

Let’s Face It

Let me know what you think!

You can follow Karen’s center on FaceBook where she posts something new almost every day.  And follow us, too!

This isn't

The Perfect Mommy: the myth that binds

February 8, 2016 Leave a Comment

hands-holding-mug-main_article_new-300x173

There is a terrible mythology operating among sensible, educated, intelligent women, and the result of this mythology is a whole host of trouble:  increasing stress levels, anxious thinking, moodiness, roller-coastering emotions and self-esteem.  This is the myth of the perfect mother, who, with no apparent effort, has perfect children.  She is totally self-sacrificing, perpetually loving, has boundless energy to give to her children, and her life, because she has sacrificed everything, is perfect.  Her children lead charmed lives, as well, because she is a perfect mother. 

Do you believe this?   I know that in your intellectual mind, you understand that it is an impossibility, unachievable.  We all “know” that nobody is perfect.    But deep in your heart of hearts, do you believe that if only you are perfect you can protect your baby and child from harm?  That you can support her development to the degree that she can become something wonderful and special?  That if you breastfeed longer, play the right music, keep her away from screens, anticipate her every need, that you can protect her from anything that might befall her?

Many moms seem to have this belief underlying their everyday behaviour.  There is a terrible fear of being less than perfect and thus putting your baby at risk.  And maybe the worst part is this “perfect” is a moving target!  Today it is about co-sleeping.  Tomorrow it is about enforcing a schedule.   Avoid peanut butter.  No, no, offer it early, prevent allergies!  When you are in the middle of this, it is impossible to see the whole context…. which is that the “right” way to raise baby is going to be different next week….and in five years, you’ll look back and say, oh, I can’t believe we thought that was right….

rbby_92

A mom got really angry with me once for suggesting that she could maybe try to be a “good-enough” mom.  This concept is time-honoured, and I’ll get to the background in a minute.   The mom who got angry thought that she would be short-changing her children if she only was “good enough.”  She needed to be more than that, more than even what is possible, in order to justify her having these children in her life.  She couldn’t relax into the idea of being “good enough” because that would mean she didn’t actually deserve to have children.  What a painful, limiting way to think….and she wasn’t completely aware of it until it came out in therapy.  When those ideas get some light and air in therapy, then we have the ability to think about them, and decide if we want to believe them.   We develop the capacity for making choices in how we will mother.

So what about the “good-enough” idea?   Well, it got its start with Donald Winnicott, a very important psychiatrist from the U.K. in the last century.  He suggested that children have very particular needs in order to develop to their highest capacity. Most mothers supply these needs without a lot of outside intervention.  And once those needs are met, then adding more doesn’t do anything to support development.  It is actually energy spent that could be doing something else, like maybe taking care of yourself, or working at your career, or doing something you love.

How can you switch to being a good enough mommy when you have been programmed since forever to aim for perfection?  You have to reprogram your inner world and then restructure your outer world.

Inner world

  • Check your default thinking.   When you interact with your child and you hear self-critical thoughts come up in your mind, see if you can think “that was probably good enough.”   If that’s impossible, see if you can think “I wonder what good enough would be like?”
  • If you tend to catastrophic thinking (i.e. if I give my baby a bottle all these terrible outcomes could happen), do a reality check. Specifically, how likely are those outcomes?   If one happened, would you manage it?  Another approach to that worst-case thinking is to just notice that you are doing that kind of thinking again.  If it is a pattern for you, you might be able to notice that you are in your pattern.  Once you can see the pattern, you have some traction for fact-checking.  “Oh, this is my scary thought pattern.  I don’t have to believe these thoughts; this is just my pattern.”
  • Practice thinking about what is constitutes “good enough.” Do I have to read three books at bedtime or is one book enough?   Does the baby need to nurse five times a night at six months or is less going to be enough?  Don’t expect to know what enough is…. but at least when you are asking the question you can notice when you are giving too much.
  • Destress your life as much as possible, and focus on enjoying the time with your baby or children. More about that later.

Outer world.

  • Check your context. Are you inundated with other peoples’ views on perfect parenting?  Do you spend time on social media listening to women judge other peoples’ parenting?  Or do you spend time in social groups trying to improve your parenting?   See if the context supports your sense of being okay or if it contributes to a sense that you are not okay at this mothering thing.  It probably won’t be all or nothing:  there may be parts that feel good and supportive, and parts that feel judgy and uncomfortable.  See if you can extricate yourself from judgement.  That includes offering judgment as well as being the recipient.
  • Ask for what you want. In an effort to change the context to support you in being “good enough” instead of perfect, you can ask for support.  Ask for support for your parenting and tell them what that will look like.  For example, “Mom, I’d really like you to tell me that I am doing a great job, and that you know it is sometimes hard, and that you think I’m a good mom.”   You can’t control whether she will do it, but you will have made your preference very clear.
  • Destress your life as much as possible. Yes, you did just read that in the list above, but it is essential for both inner peace and an outer serenity.  More about this later.

 

Getting out from under the burden of perfectionism in motherhood is not easy, but it can be liberating.  You know what your child needs, and you know how you want your family life to be.  You and your spouse get to make those decisions for your family. It can just like the folks next door, or people on Pinterest, but it probably won’t be.  And just as perfect mothering cannot protect your child from real life, it cannot keep you from struggling with the complicated feelings that arise as our children grow, change, and face their lives.  Liberating yourself from the myth of the perfect mommy offers the possibility of deeply enjoying the process of raising children.

Photo credit: Thanks to Katie Huffman, of Looking at Life through Agreeable Hours for the lovely hands on mug picture.

Workshop offering!

February 16, 2015 Leave a Comment

Postpartum poster (5)-page-001 I am pretty excited to be able to tell you about a two-workshop series I am offering this spring.  It is for people who work with postpartum moms, or who want to work with that population.  The first day, on Friday 17 April, we’ll focus on the background information needed to effectively work with women who’ve experienced reproductive trauma.  The second workshop is more specifically focused around clinical skills used within therapy sessions, and I hope you’ll bring your experiences to share.

For more information you can click HERE to go to the page on this blog.  There you can download the flyer, and get the registration information.   If you have questions about the content, let me know!  Looking forward to seeing you in Fredericton this spring.

Leslie

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  • Handling the holidays …… December 16, 2016
  • Pregnant woman need psychotherapy….according to the Washington Post October 17, 2016
  • Mothers’ inner wisdom…it’s there! July 4, 2016
  • Fall Conference announced by Massachusetts Society for Bioenergetic Analysis June 30, 2016
  • Fertility does matter: finding support June 14, 2016

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